Updated: Oct 30, 2018
Today I’m going to touch on two subjects. Love and suicide. What? How could I write about two things that are so different? I started off wanting to write about unconditional love, then recently a dear friend of mine lost her ex boyfriend to suicide, and it stirred some things in me, that I’d like to share.
First I’m going to touch base on love. Love with no bounds, it can’t be broken or tainted and there’s a deeper magic behind it. It is unconditional. Not lust,we often confuse desire with love. True love, unconditional love,there is sacrifice and there’s no space or time that can erase it. You except all the pieces of each other and reach through the layers. To love is to want the other person happy whether this means they are with you or not. There are souls we are bound to that we meet over and over again and you don’t actually lose anyone. If you loved you’ll love them again. There is a web of entanglements like an orchestration and it’s already set out in motion.
That being said, we will meet my friends ex boyfriend again. They to will reunite in some way some day. We often let our egos get into the way of our ability to unconditionally love. Or we hurt others by trying to fill a void within ourselves. When true love is actually seeing this person as you. Seeing yourself as worth it and that they are too. In the recent events with my friends loss, I thought about my struggle with anxiety and depression, how much reiki and yoga have helped, and getting out into nature. There are things we can do for ourselves to help relax from daily pressures and get us out of the monkey mind.
I am happy to be here now, not that I don’t ever get down. I’ve made mistakes in my life and there are times I’m not in the moment, thinking behind or ahead with self sabatogue. Those times are very few now. However, there was a time I wanted to kill myself. I remember as a teen sitting outside with a knife in a pile of leaves,I wanted to end my life, all the feelings of being unloved, feeling hopeless Hating myself and everyone else and life. My biggest fear was the possibility of failing and suffering the concquencies of a failed attempt.
Boy am I glad I had that fear! Meanwhile people refer to someone who kills themself as weak. I beg to differ, they are strong. Sure this may sound crazy, but to those who’ve never felt it. In that moment of disspare there is so much emotion that is so painful. You seriously just want to make it stop, and even crazier,is that if you ride the wave, it generally passes quick. This is why some of the happiest on the outside surprise people when they give in to the fight. A lot of very happy people are happy when not in that moment of self negative banter.
A suicidal person does not do it to hurt anyone, though in that moment they may have irrational thoughts of abandonment and let down, blame and projection. However... here’s the thing,If somoene ends their life, it does not mean they didn’t love you. We may feel things like, how could they do this to me, didn’t I make them happy. Why yes, yes you did,It has nothing to do with you. They had so much pain in that moment they took their life, they didn’t even think of the good times with you, they could only thing of the bad.They didn’t wait long enough to pass through that wave,and come out smiling again.They're only focusing on what’s wrong in that moment and it’s so heavy, unless you’ve felt it you’d not understand. They’re just tired of feeling as though they are drowning. It honestly has nothing to do with you and it does not mean you didn’t make them happy. Its no ones fault... want to hear it again? It’s no ones fault. They are not weak, They are not selfish. They’re desperate in that moment and they’ve made a mistake. They lost sight of hope.Having someone dear to us take their life is heartrenching, but it needs to be known that it’s not a reflection of anyone else, It strikes anger in us as to why,but I know first hand the feeling and I understand it enough to know. It’s no ones fault, it’s a momentary lapse of reason that can’t be taken back. I‘ve compassion and empathy towards those who commit suicide and those that feel the heaviness that insues when they go that far into their heads.
I also have empathy towards those who have lost someone to suicide, as I know the thoughts of blame and guilt that go into our own heads. What could I have done, how could I have helped? Was I not good enough to them. There is nothing you could have done, know this. There isn’t anyone to blame. It happens in a moment, and in that moment they can’t even help themselves. Depression and anxiety has no timing. We can’t say, today is the day they’ll really do it, because it’s a feeling that surfaces often and we don’t do it. So no one suspects it will actually happen when it does, and for the one who takes their life,they plan it in their head many times, they think of it often but they to are uncertain. It really all does happen in a moment, and it really isn’t the fault of anyone. If you are reading this and you are someone with suicidal thoughts. Please ask for help, there is so much love to go around and so many people you probably don’t realize love you. You are worthy of being loved as much as everyone else. If you’re reading this and you’ve lost someone to suicide, know you’ve done nothing to cause it. They only focused on the bad things and what could go wrong instead of right and it consumed and took over them.This isn’t a reflection of you. I personally would love to see everyone healthy minded and happy and it saddens my heart that someone can feel so hurt within themself, and it hurts my heart to see the ones left behind with such uncertainty. It’s a place I tend do go to when I’m scared. There are many risc factors to suicide. Mental illness, substance abuse, alcoholism,financial difficultie, troubled relationships,bullying. So many different things can be going on. Not every case is the same as what I went through so it’s soley my perception. There are so many factors and each case is individual, so I can not speak on the behalf of everyone, but I’d like to say we should try to have empathy for everyone involved and understand the only person who could actually stop it is the person who has done it. It’s better to change our way of living then take our own lives, and to try to improve the things we are not happy with. However sometimes if we focus on where we are and how much we need to improve things it becomes overwhelming. It all starts with appreciation. Practice it and it grows things slowly get better. Take moments to do things that get us out of our heads like reiki, meditation, music, running, dancing whatever it takes. I sense my friends ex is up there goofing off and I‘m sure they’ll meet again.I also don’t think people should be angry at him for doing it. He was in a place of so much pain in that moment he himself was not fully aware of his own actions. It‘s my deepest wish that no one has to feel things so deeply to the point of no hope. So take a moment to smile at everyone, because you never know what is going on in their inside. A smile can change someone’s day
"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope." -Maya Angelou
“Without hope there is no love”